Here's another one I wrote weeks ago. Finally had a bit of time to edit and post it. Are any of you also not-so-good at this sleeping thing?
I haven’t been a great sleeper for a couple of years now. My night owl ways of years ago have had to subside in order for me to function daily in any kind of reasonable way and allow me to at least pretend to be pleasant in the morning. My younger two children typically go to bed about 8:30 p.m., and honestly, most nights I’m not far behind them.
Yesterday, I was awake at 3:38 a.m.
I stayed in bed for a bit, debating whether I was going to be able to get back to sleep, but knew from the get-go it wasn’t gonna happen. I can usually tell pretty quickly whether I’m going to be able to get back to a bit of restful sleep or if it’s all over and I might as well start puttering around the house. Sleep eluded me. I got up.
Today? 1:32 a.m. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not feeling anxious about anything, honest. There’s nothing troubling my mind, I promise. I simply opened my eyes and that was it. No more sleep. The truth is, I had gone to bed at 9, so really, four and half hours isn’t the end of the world, is it? However, what do you do at 1:38 a.m., when you’re wide awake and the rest of the household is sleeping so very peacefully in each of their beds?
I’m an outdoor girl. Well, let me clarify. I’m not a rugged, rock-climbing, summit-hiking, parasailing type of outdoor girl. I love BEING outdoors - feeling the breeze, soaking up some sun, basking a bit like a cat. In other words, I like a walk (once upon a time I loved a run, and maybe I will again some day), a porch sit, or a patio hang out.
It’s currently November in the Midwest, so this gal is trying to eke out the last vestiges of porch time before there’s no amount of bundling up that will be able to keep me comfortable. So, what did I do at 1:38 a.m.? I pulled on some warm pants, grabbed a fleece jacket, knit hat, a blanket, my fingerless gloves, my laptop, and a mugful of java and headed out to the front porch. A “real feel” temp of 34 degrees isn’t gonna stop me.
My intention was to do a bit of internet research on a future vacation plan, decide how best to use my Kohl’s cash in combination with Black Friday deals available, in addition to some Facebook scrolling. You know, typical middle-aged mama kind of stuff.
Yet, what did I actually do? I sat in silence with that warm mug in my hands and just listened for a bit.
There’s not much happening in this part of the world in the middle of the night (“This part of the the world” means out in the country 15 miles from "town" and 3 miles outside of a little village). It is ridiculously early enough that I can’t even call it the “wee hours of the morning,” can I?
It was eerily quiet. There wasn’t any wind. Now, if you’ve been to my house, you know that’s WEIRD. I didn’t hear a single vehicle on the often busy road a half mile from my house. No birds or farm animals or even a dog in the distance making a sound. Also weird.
Literal stillness and silence. It was peaceful and quiet, in a way I only remember experiencing one other time a couple of years ago (also out on the porch after a ridiculous early-morning rising).
Maybe like yours, my brain is often firing on all cylinders. I’m calendar-driven, organized, and prepared for nearly every scenario, with plan B (or C, or D) always at the ready. Usually, I thrive on the low-level chaos ever present in our household. However, sometimes that noise and the movement and all the words spoken (and I do mean ALL THE WORDS!) ramp me up and make me more than a little bit nuts.
I think that’s why I regularly seek the solace of the porch. Just a little bit of mostly calm. Some solitude. Even in that typically quiet space, my brain is nearly always going, going, going. Like things seemed this morning, I not usually anxious or worried, or at least not excessively so - it’s typically just thinking through the next week’s plans, or mentally checking items off of a to-do list, or directly accomplishing a task.
This morning’s complete silence outdoors was different for me. My brain was quiet also. Trust me, that's a highly unusual phenomenon.
Isn't it odd to listen to silence? Have you ever done it? I thought I’d find it unsettling. At first, all I could think was how different this seemed. Then, I thought to myself, “How cool is this?” The stillness, the quiet, and the general peace of it all settled over me. I took another sip of caffeinated warmth and felt and heard myself unexpectedly let out a heavy sigh.
It wasn’t the kind of sound so often exhibited by others in my household or that I’ve been known make myself. This sigh wasn’t out of frustration, or exhaustion, or boredom. I felt every bit of tension I didn’t even know I had leave my body, and then I couldn’t help but smile.
It’s not often that I’m completely still or not pondering SOMETHING. This morning it managed to happen. I felt at peace.
I thank God for those brief moments, and honestly, can’t wait for it to happen again. I’m hoping for more porch moments, even as the temps continue to nosedive. Wish me luck :)
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